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The New Shirt/Casino/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW D I'm gonna cook with electricity. [ gunshots ] [ glass shatters ] harold: And now here's the greatest thing to hit the television industry since colorization, the man everybody's talking about -- and oftentimes in complimentary terms -- the star of our show, mr. Red green! Whoo! Whoo-hoo! Thank you very much. Thanks for tuning us in. I'm your host, red green. For the next half-hour, I'll not only be your host, but I'll also be your guide and your translator. And up at the lodge, this is what we call a harold. [ keyboard clacking ] wa-a-a! And that translates as, "I'm directing this show because the star is my uncle." thank you. Been kind of a challenging week up here at the lodge. I've been trying to get a little fundraiser going for a pet project of mine, which is namely keeping the repo man off our backs, so I thought I'd have a suggestion box. And the first suggestion I got was, "why don't you make the suggestion box a donation box instead?" uh-huh. Well, that turned out to be pretty stupid, because what they did was they started donating suggestions, okay? And most of them you could never read on any television anywhere. But then there was one in there that struck me as a real good idea. Hey, you're wearing a new shirt. No, that wasn't it. It was -- somebody suggested we have a las vegas style -- what are you wearing a new shirt for? What's the matter with the regular red shirt? What? Well, it's dirty, harold. Anyway, this casino night seemed like I thought maybe -- what's the matter with the regular shirt, though? Where's the other shirt? It's the regular shirt you wear, but now, no, where is it? What? Well, it's in the laundry, harold. Oh, yeah! Ho ho ho! Yeah, right! Oh, you got a raise. You got a raise! Oh, yeah! Since when is there extra money in the show's budget? There isn't, harold. There's extra relish on my shirt. That's why it's the laundry. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Okay, yes, all right. I know exactly what you're trying to do by wearing this fancy-schmancy shirt of yours. You're trying to add zip to the show because you think my direction is so bad. That's it, isn't it? Isn't it? No, but I like the sound of that. So, the casino night is a definite go. We're gonna get everything -- I'm just gonna let you know that I don't need any of your cheap gimmicks. I have expensive gimmicks. [ guitar playing, can beating ] ♪ 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 ♪ ♪ that's a lot of golf balls to put in your mouth ♪ ♪ may make you special and the envy of your friends ♪ ♪ but the main lesson here ♪ ♪ is don't fall asleep at the driving range ♪ take it. Ow! Get that away from there! This week on "handyman corner," gonna show you how to make a low-cost, extremely efficient, lightweight, entirely portable electric barbecue. Well, at least portable in the sense you can go anywhere that they have electricity. I got the idea from one of these little units. You ever seen these babies? This is a little hot dog cooker. You got a nail connected to the wire. You put one in each end of the wienie, and you plug her into the wall, and by the time bob's your uncle, you got your wiener burnt black and silver. And I'm thinking to myself, this could work on almost anything, 'cause the point is electricity can cook meat, which any of you know who've ever stuck your finger in a wall socket. But I'm thinking, let's think a little bigger than that. Why can't we get electricity to, say, cook a roast or a... Not quite sure what that is -- probably a raccoon, I guess. And all we need, maybe, is to just get a little more pop to the electricity. Not just use your standard household current, but maybe have a step-up transformer and take her up from 120 volts up to -- well, how does a million sound? And a transformer's real easy to build. It's basically just two coils of wire. So, you take a coil of your normal 14-2 household wire, as we explained to you in one of our other episodes, and you drop a smaller coil of wire inside, which you can get out of, say, an old electric razor or something of that nature. And these are darn easy to come by, especially while the guys are out fishing. So, I'll just pop the top of this unit. All right, now, this is a good safety tip. When you're working with a screwdriver, don't put the screwdriver -- did you see the way I did that? Don't ever put the screwdriver towards you. I hope you're noticing that, especially you young kids. Always have the screwdriver working away from you. I'll just pop the top off this thing. [ electricity crackles ] uh, all right, well, I had to replace the fuse there. Actually, it was just a penny that was in there, and it had melted right out of there, so I replaced it with a nickel. Should last five times as long. But the good news is that the whole covering of the razor melted right off. So, now I can just lower that right inside my outer coil. And when I put this end in, we're gonna get the million volts coming right out here. Now what I have to do is use something as an electrode for the thing, something as -- what do you call them? Yeah, electrode, yeah. I'm thinking golf club. Just got to kind of break this in half here. I would say go with the steel golf club rather than the wood kind because the wood doesn't really conduct electricity all that well. Although if you could get her going, maybe if you got like 17 bazillion gagillion volts through it, could give you a nice hickory-smoke flavor. Actually, probably a bunch of you golfers who get over 100 all the time have a whole set looks like this. Now what we do is we're gonna stick an end of this in each end of our meat, so to speak, and wrap our wires around there and seal her all up with the handyman's secret weapon -- duct tape -- and we're gonna have ourselves a little beef roast. So, I'll work on that, get all hooked up there, and you watch the rest of the show. And when I'm all ready, I'll have you come back, and we'll put this rig into action. This is my favorite part of the show, 'cause we get to expose those three little words that men find so difficult to say -- "I don't know." wa-a-a! And here to prove that point once again on "the experts" portion of the show is my uncle red and his best friend in the whole world, mr. Bob stuyvesant, and mr. Glen braxton. Here we are. "dear experts, for our 25th wedding anniversary -- "our silver anniversary -- I bought my wife "a brand-new shiny silver socket wrench set. "my wife burst into tears. "at first, I thought they were tears of joy. "but since I've been sleeping on the porch for two weeks now, "I figure she didn't like the socket wrench. "women say they want to be treated equally with men, "and I'd love a set like that, so what's wrong? What do women really want?" all right, uh... What do women want? Uh, well, uh, glen, you're married. What do you think? Uh, well, you're married, too, red. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, but you've got all those daughters -- seven daughters. You know a lot more about women than I do. Well, a lot of them are still pretty young. They're girls, so... Well, bob, you've been married six times, right? Four. Five, bob. Oh, yeah, five. Right, yeah. "fore" is what you say when you're playing golf. Actually, do you know where yelling "fore!" originated from? Well, the scottish, they used to do a lot of -- excuse me. You're just getting a little off topic there. The question is, what do women really want? What do women want? What do women want? [ sighs ] well, actually, in reference to the guy's letter, I broke a socket wrench just last week. You're kidding. No, no. How'd that happen? Well, I was taking the rear suspension off this old bus I bought to turn into an r.V., and the torque -- bang! -- Snapped it right in half. What do women really want? Oh, yeah. Women question. Women. What about world peace? Oh, yeah, I would think so, yeah. World peace is good. Survey says world peace? World peace. Actually, I know a guy who broke a socket wrench once, too. Get out! Yeah, he was working on a snowmobile. Small world. What do women really want?! When they want something, those women, what is it? Okay, well, we got world peace. You know, actually, as a husband and a father of seven daughters, as you said, I know, around our house, that what the women want in my house is a new vcr. Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, you're on to something there. My wife -- my wife would love a new vcr. You know, it's a funny thing that you mention that, because my last wife, she had custody of the tv and the vcr. That's a theme there. That's something there. Yes, sir! Women want a new vcr. And world peace. And no socket wrenches. That's it. "it is autumn. "trees shed greenery and stand barren. "nervous animals scurry about, glancing skyward. "warm waters turn cold as blue steel. "meanwhile, the rocks sit, silent, solid. "rocks are exactly like my uncle roy... If they had gas in them." well, I got her all hooked up and ready to rip there. The black wire brings your electricity in. Your white wire takes your electricity out. And I got the ground wire hooked up to the meat thermometer. Now, I ran an extension cord up from the boathouse using whatever pieces of wire I could find, 'cause it's on a separate circuit down there. And I upgraded from a nickel in the fuse right up to a quarter. So, I think we're ready to power up and eat like a man. [ electricity crackling ] well...Looks like we'll be having chipped beef. Not bad. Little underdone. Should've used a 6-iron. Anyway, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Well, by golly, this casino night feels like it's gonna rake in a lot of coin for us. Everybody's pitching in to make it feel like a real las vegas-style thing. Old man sedgwick says we should have an aerial circus, like they do at that circus circus casino, so he and moose thompson are gonna sit up in the rafters and play frisbee. I see you're wearing your new shirt there, huh? Yeah, I'm wearing my new shirt, harold. Would you rather be looking at relish stains? That would just remind you of your complexion. Wa-a-a-a! So, what you're really saying, then, is, "if harold was a better producer, we wouldn't have this wardrobe problem." that's what you're saying, isn't it? All right. Oh, I know what -- oh, okay, all right. This is a midlife crisis, isn't it? Okay. Oh. Okay. [ chuckles ] I don't want to hear any more about my shirt, okay, harold? Now, where was I? I forget. Oh, yeah, okay, okay. We're gonna have our casino night down in the basement, and the only thing that's missing, really, is a las vegas show-girl-type thing. But junior says that he's got some water balloons left over -- excuse me, uncle red, just one more thing, though. Just the one. Is this about my shirt, harold? No, no, no. It's about, well, menswear in general. Well, the next person that mentions anything about my shirt is gonna get a real close look at my footwear. As I was saying, the casino night is firing along. We'll be down in the basement, and yours truly is gonna be the maître d' and the pit boss. Oh, that's a great idea. Oh, uncle red, that's such a good idea. Wasn't that a good idea, folks? Oh, that's -- oh, boy. Wa-a-a-a! About this maître d', what kind of shirt are you gonna be wearing? A pink, low-cut dress with a feather boa. What do you think of that? I knew it. Midlife crisis. I knew, I knew. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ I've seen a million wonders ♪ ♪ throughout this pretty well uneventful life ♪ ♪ but I've never seen nothing that comes as close ♪ ♪ or even remotely compares in any way, shape, or form ♪ ♪ to the storm we had last week ♪ ♪ oh, the wind come down like thunder ♪ ♪ the thunder come down like wind ♪ ♪ the rain come down like chestnuts ♪ ♪ and the chestnuts come down like squirrels ♪ ♪ oh, the hailstones ripped the roof off ♪ ♪ and the barn rolled down the hill ♪ ♪ and that's when the sheep hit the fan ♪ ♪ 'cause lightning hit the silo ♪ ♪ and the entire town was covered with popcorn ♪ red: Well, this week on "adventures with bill," I was making some of my famous forest stew, which I make out of things I find on my shoes. There's bill. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! That's hot! That's hot! It's wet, but it's hot. Thank you, bill. Thanks for coming out. Anyway, what bill wanted to do was show us all how to make a camp bed. You know, just when you don't have a tent or any of the niceties of an air mattress. Get myself dried off. Man: Hey! Some of the crew, I guess, there or another camper. Anyway, bill -- oh, oh! Oh, well. The first thing you do is you get some little pieces of brush and so on. You want to kind of make it something a little softer than -- what is that? Apparently bill keeps his groundsheet in his coveralls. Hmm. Well... I don't even want to think about this, but we had to get it unrolled. You get that spread out. Boy, oh, boy. Anyway, you get that spread out over the bits of brush and everything to keep the leaves away from you. The next unit you need there is -- it's a sleeping bag. There's the cover. You throw the c-- oh. Oh, boy. Anyway -- oh, well. So, bill's gonna unroll the sleeping bag, but this thing had been rolled up so long, it had a lot of tension built up. Oh, boy! That's very strange, isn't it? It turns out it wasn't just the tension. There was something -- yeah, yeah. It was a rock. Yeah, it was a rock inside the bag. We don't need that near our bed. So bill, unfortunately, right over where he had -- and then -- oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Then, again, we -- well, bill always claims that a sleeping bag is kind of cold when you first get into it. But this one apparently was real warm, and bill's real comfy there. [ sniffing ] kind of a funny smell. Oh. Well, there's always a good side of everything. Now at least I'll be able to finish making my stew. [ coughing ] and now here's something the young people might like, 'cause I know the older folks can't stand it. Awesome, young viewers, and welcome to my brand-new show... [ guitar plays clumsily ] aah! Aah! ..."gigging to the max"! Wa-a-a! Not "jigging to the mast." who put that? It's not a show about dancing on your dad's schooner. So, you want to be a rock star, huh? Well, okay, you haven't got much of a voice and you really can't play an instrument 'cause your band teacher threw you out of the class? Okay. No problemo. Start your own band. Wa-a-a-a! All you got to do is hire really talented people to surround you, and you still take all the glory. That's what my uncle red does on this show. Okay, you're gonna need a name. Names are important, so something like, um... "the phlegm." wa-a-a! Or "yesterday's implosion." no, no! This is the one! This is the one! This is the one! "undead boxcars." oh, yes! Check, I think. Okay, now you're gonna need people to be in the band, right? You're gonna have to have guys and laughs babes. All right. So, what you do is you go to a place where they're hiring musicians, right? And then you grab the rejects and you promise them fame and glory. Or at least, you know, pop, chips and dip, and free rehearsal space and music lessons and instruments and a guaranteed weekly salary. Yes, yes, of course, this is all a risk, but you have to pay your dues. Or should I say, I have to pay their dues. Wa-a-a. [ guitar plays clumsily ] how do they do that? I wanted to give some advice to you teenagers, if I might, because the adults, they don't listen anyway. They're too old to change, and even if they could, they're gonna be dead soon, so what's the point? And how this happened was harold wanted to go to a movie in town. He couldn't decide whether to see "buzz saw butchery on main street, part 9 -- the evisceration" or a new comedy they got called "trash my parents' house." so, instead, I decided we'd rent a classic film, watch it at the lodge. It was "across the pacific," starring humphrey bogart and mary astor, two great actors who drank a lot. When it was over, harold said he thought it was racist, sexist, overacted, with some real corny, melodramatic dialogue and some cheesy special effects. Whereas I thought it was just boring. So, the next time your parents say to you, "they don't make movies like they used to," don't be upset about that. I thought it would really help our casino night if I invited ranger gord. Not that we wanted him there so much, but with his lifestyle, I figure he's got a lot of disposable income. Oh, mr. Green, welcome. "pretty much the same as yesterday's report." come in. I'm just finishing today's report. All right. Listen, would you mind taking this down with you to head office when you go? Yeah, I can do that, sure. No problem. They're supposed to come by every Friday, but they haven't been around in a while. Don't know why. I'll take care of that for you. Thanks, yeah. Hey, something really different about you today. Yeah, it's my shirt. No, no, something else. You've gained a lot of weight and gotten all gray or something? No, it's just my shirt. That's the only thing that's changed about me. You seem pretty well the same, though, gord. Yeah, well, that's what this job demands -- being the same man every day, looking out over the same forest. Sameness. Same, same, same! Yeah, staring at the same sun, looking at the same clouds, talking to them. Oh, they change, they change. That's true, you know? Thank goodness for the clouds, or a guy could get lonely. But I know h.Q. Is counting on me, so I'm not gonna let them down. Oh, did you check my mailbox on the way up? Yeah, yeah, there's nothing there. It's okay. They used to send a paycheck every couple of months, but I know how hectic office work can get. No problem. It's not like I can spend it on anything anyway. Well, now, that's interesting that you say that, because I was just here to invite you to come down to the lodge tonight for casino night. Oh, no. Oh, sure, come on. No, no, no, I couldn't. Who's gonna look after the forest? People are counting on me to protect them. And not just when it's convenient or when it coordinates with my social calendar. No. No, thank you. Plus the fact that h.Q. Has never sent an inspector to visit me in the 16 years I've been a forest ranger. What does that tell you? [ chuckles ] that they forgot about you? No. No, that I'm due -- overdue. Tonight could be the night. Tonight. All right. Yeah, but thanks anyways. Come by and visit after, huh? I'm up all night. Well, I can only make suggestions to the fellas. I don't know. Great! Be fun, then. See you a little later. I can make little snacks on toast. Don't make any till we get here. Oh, no problem. What time exactly? Uh...Not before midnight, I wouldn't think. No problem, no problem. Up all night. All night. Well, the casino night -- [ sobbing ] you're a born leader, harold. Casino night is a definite go, although we almost had to cancel at the last minute because stinky peterson misunderstood the term "craps table." do you have to change where I can see you, harold? I'll never eat chicken again. Anyway, the weather is real good, so we decided to move the casino night outdoors. We got a roulette wheel, a one-armed bandit, and a one-legged bartender. Threw all the beer into the lake -- or as we call it, our wet bar. All we need now is organized crime and it'd be just like las vegas. [ chuckling ] [ screeching ] it's the sound of the possum. We got a meeting now. Yeah, you go ahead, harold. I'll be right there. I look like you now. Yeah, you look terrific. It's a shame, isn't it? Anyway, we'll get the meeting wrapped up in a hurry so that we can get out there and start losing money, which, I suppose, is the fun of gambling. "the art of the deal," as donald trump would say. Although I don't think there is any trump in poker, and yet he owns a couple of casinos, so go figure. Anyway, if my wife is watching, that bleach you gave me took the relish stains right out of this shirt and didn't harm the flannel at all. So, everybody else, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, thanks a lot for watching, and keep your stick on the ice. [ screeching ] all rise. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. All right, I got a couple announcements here. Old man sedgwick has asked me to announce that if anyone finds a black-and-white cat that answers to the name "shriek," would they please keep it?